Advice for young people helping a friend who is experiencing domestic abuse:
Has your friend told you that there’s domestic violence in their home - or - do you think that there might be? Either way, you might be worried about them and unsure of what to say or do.
Talking to your friend about the abuse can be hard. You can read about some things below, that might be helpful to say to your friend. It’s important to remember that you can’t solve their problem, but you can be there to listen and to support them.
There are also some things that you can do with your friend or suggest for your friend to do on their own. Supporting a friend who is experiencing abuse can make you feel sad or upset yourself – it can be stressful. Make sure you get support for yourself as well. Talk to a grown-up you trust about what’s going on or call one of the helplines for children and young people.
Make sure that when you talk to your friend about the abuse, you’re in a safe place and you have time to talk. It’s not a good idea to have to rush off because you have to be somewhere else while your friend is sharing their story.
It’s possible that when your friend talks to you they might feel angry or upset. It’s scary for them to talk about the abuse, so these feelings are normal. Your friend might start crying or they might change their mind and tell you it’s none of your business. All these reactions are okay, but it helps to be prepared for them.
Believe them. It’s not up to you to decide whether or not what your friend is telling you is the truth. To talk about abuse and domestic violence can be very difficult. Listen to your friend and believe what they are saying. Be supportive. You might say “I’m glad you told me about this. Thanks for trusting me.”
Don’t judge. If you say something like “How can you put up with this?” or “I can’t believe you haven’t told anyone about this!” you might push your friend away.
Be honest. Don’t be afraid to tell your friend that your are really worried, that you think they need help and it may be best to tell another adult about the situation. Remember, you can’t solve the problem, but you can help your friend get help. Telling other adults will help keep your friend safe.
They’re not alone. Let your friend know this happens to other children and young people as well. It’s not their fault. Abuse is NEVER a child or young person’s fault. Your friend might feel as though they’re to blame for what’s happening – let them know this is not the case.
Express your concern. Decide whether you need to let someone else know what’s going on. It’s your friend’s decision whether they want to tell another adult or not. But you should know it’s okay for YOU to tell another adult if you’re really afraid your friend might be getting hurt. Be honest about this – tell your friend who you’re going to talk to so they don’t feel you’re sneaking around behind their back.
Offer help. You can tell your friend “I’ll help you talk to someone. I’ll help you find someone to talk to.” Tell them that you’ll be there for them while they find other help. Tell your friend about The Hideout and about the helplines listed in their website. www.thehideout.org.uk Check out the local helplines listed on this website.
Thank your friend. Talking about violence and abuse takes a lot of strength and courage. Thank your friend for trusting you and let them know how strong they are.
The most important thing you can do for your friend is to listen to them. Here are some things you can suggest for your friend to do. You might want to offer to do them with your friend.
Help your friend work out which adult they trust and who they would be willing to talk to. Offer to go with your friend. This might be a neighbour or a teacher, for example.
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